So I have noticed that the type of shirt white peoples wear is a sign to the world of their drinking aspirations for the night.
1. Long sleeve shirt. If you see white peoples in long sleeved shirts they are about to engage in ‘fancy drinking’; this consists of a reasonable amount of wine and light conversation.
2. T-shirt. If you see white peoples in t-shirts they are probably getting ‘classy drunk’; this consists of drinking craft or bottled beer and will require an Uber ride home. The Uber driver will remember the white peoples as ‘nice folks.’
3. Tank top. If you see white peoples in a sleeveless shirt it is intended to let the world know that they are about to be ‘I’ll fucking do it’ drunk. This consists of drinking at least 12 cheap can beers before sundown, occasionally letting the racist thing out here and there, and being easily susceptible to suggestion, thus the I’ll fucking do it’. So if you see white peoples in tank tops drinking beer, dare one to kick a bear in the nuts. He will do it.
4. No shirt. This is the most extreme of white peoples drunk. If the shirt is gone it means even the absence of sleeves was not adequate to contain and he is beyond hammered. Beware, shirtless drunken white peoples are strange and erratic beings, just watch 1 episode of Cops. You won’t see a single shirt on any perpetrator.
So sunglasses are intended to be worn on the front of your face rested on the bridge of your nose with lenses to filter out the dangerous UV radiation. I have noticed lately that white peoples seem to wear their sunglasses on the back of their heads very often. Bonus fact: if a white person is wearing the sunglasses on the back of said head I would beat any amount of money that the sunglasses look like the kind baseball players wear and not Classic Ray Bans.
This severe disregard for the normal standards of eyewear placement is a problem. For example, Mrs. BD and I were relaxing on the Lake of the Ozarks when Mrs. BD alerted me to the fact that there was a pack of white peoples staring at us, and staring hard. Now being from the big city you have to understand where we are coming from, you could literally beat up a group of old people and as long as you kept a nice distance and do not maintain eye contact, we cool.
Now Mrs. BD was clearly frightened and declared; 'Just Look!". Now that is a big mistake because white peoples become frightened when you look them directly in the eyes, everyone knows this. Long story short, it was a bunch of good old boys sitting outside watching Fox News with their sunglasses firmly placed on the back of their heads. All 6 of them.
So I just had a white person say to me; "Man, your yard looks really nice." In white peoples speak that is basically his way of saying; "I love you and want to be BFF's". If a white peoples say to you your yard looks nice it now means it is officially ok to text him 'wyd' at 3am and he will respond, 'nu' and it is totally cool.